I’ll be honest — this is scary for me to admit.
When I found out I was going to become a mum, I was terrified.
So many thoughts flooded in:
- “Am I going to be good enough?”
- “What if I screw up my child forever?”
- “Will my trauma ruin this experience?”
Living with Complex PTSD already makes daily life feel overwhelming.
Motherhood added a whole new layer — of fear, pressure, and deep vulnerability I didn’t feel ready for.
But then… she came.
And with her, a kind of joy I never imagined.
A softness. A light.
A love that reached places in me I thought were too far gone.
The Parts I Don’t Say Out Loud Often
Even with all the love I have for my daughter, there are still moments that feel impossibly hard.
When she cries — especially at night — my body reacts before my mind can catch up.
It’s not anger.
I don’t lash out.
Instead, I shut down.
I freeze.
I go still.
Like my brain and body have unplugged.
And that’s one of the hardest things to explain about C-PTSD:
It’s not always loud.
Sometimes it’s silent. Numb. Paralysing.
It makes me feel helpless.
Ashamed.
Scared that I’m not doing enough.
What’s Actually Helping Me
I’m not writing this with polished advice or neat solutions.
I’m still figuring it out — one day at a time.
But here’s what’s helping me through the toughest moments:
Trying to Breathe and Let Go
I bring it back to breath.
Inhale. Exhale.
Slowly. Intentionally.
I remind myself:
“I’m safe. She’s safe. This is hard, but I’m doing it.”
Asking for Help (Even When It Feels Awful)
I hate needing people — but I’ve learned that asking for help:
- From my partner
- A friend
- A professional
…doesn’t make me weak.
It makes me supported.
Letting Go of the Pressure to Be “Okay”
Some days I don’t bounce back quickly.
I cry. I rest. I step away.
That doesn’t make me a bad mum.
It makes me human.
I’m Still in It
Motherhood hasn’t magically healed my trauma.
But it has cracked me open in ways that are reshaping how I relate to myself.
I still have moments of doubt.
But I also have quiet moments where I know I’m enough.
Because I keep showing up.
- Even when I shut down
- Even when I ask for help
- Even when I don’t have the words for how I feel
For the Mum Who Feels Like She’s Failing…
You’re not failing.
You’re just carrying more than most people can see.
And still — you’re:
- Loving your child
- Holding space for their needs
- Facing your own pain with quiet courage
That’s not weakness.
That’s strength.
With gentleness and honesty,
🤍 Ness
Traversing Trauma 
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