When Someone’s Upset With Me and Doesn’t Want to Talk

A personal reflection on trauma, silence, and the fear of disconnection.

I’ve noticed something about myself that used to confuse me:

When someone’s upset with me — and they won’t talk to me about it — I don’t just feel uncomfortable.
I feel unsafe.

My stomach drops.
My mind races.
I want to fix it immediately — apologise, explain, make it stop.

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Why Silence Feels Like a Threat

For years, I thought I was being too sensitive.
Overreacting.
Taking things too personally.

But now I understand:
This is a trauma response.

Silence doesn’t feel neutral to me.
It feels like:

• Rejection
• Punishment
• Abandonment
• The quiet before something painful

It’s not just about now — it’s about then.

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A Nervous System Shaped by Disconnection

When I was younger, emotional withdrawal or disconnection often came with:

• Shame
• Fear
• Being left alone with feelings I couldn’t make sense of

So now, even as an adult, my nervous system still reacts as if:

“Something is terribly wrong. And no one is telling me what.”

I fawn.
I over-apologise.
I replay every interaction.
I start to lose my sense of safety — not because of what’s happening now, but because of what my body remembers.

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What I’m Learning

I can’t control how others respond.
I can’t make someone talk before they’re ready.

But I can stay with myself.

I can:

• Slow down
• Breathe
• Place a hand on my chest and say:
  “This feels scary. But I am safe right now.”

I can choose not to abandon myself, even when someone else is pulling away.

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If You’ve Felt This Too

Maybe silence feels louder than words.

Maybe you’ve been told you’re:

• Too much
• Too sensitive
• Overly reactive

But your reactions make sense — especially if you’ve lived through painful disconnection.

This is the slow, messy work of healing:

• Learning to respond with care instead of fear
• Learning to sit with discomfort instead of rushing to fix it
• Learning to trust yourself, even in uncertainty

You are not broken.

You are someone who is learning what safety really feels like.

And that’s something worth honouring.

Ness