When Coping Becomes a Cycle: My Experience with Body Repetitive Behaviours and C-PTSD

For a long time, I didn’t realise what I was doing.

Every time I stood in front of the mirror — tweezing a stray hair, picking at a tiny bump, adjusting something that already looked “fine” — I told myself I was just trying to look presentable. Neat. Put together.

But underneath that routine was a deeper pattern.

A kind of hyper-focus on my appearance that wasn’t really about vanity.
It was about control.
Safety.
Survival.

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Trauma, Control, and the Mirror

Living with Complex PTSD, my nervous system was constantly on high alert.
I didn’t feel safe in my own skin — so I tried to manage it. Literally.

I’d over-analyse:

• My face
• My skin
• My hair

Always searching for something to fix.

I needed things to be “just right,” or I’d spiral.

And so began the loop:

👉 Tweezing, trimming, picking
👉 A moment of relief
👉 Then shame, stress, and discomfort
👉 Back to the mirror
👉 Back to the cycle

At the time, it felt like I was coping.
But in truth, I was stuck — trapped in a loop of anxiety and self-surveillance.

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🧠 A Note on Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviours (BFRBs)

Some of the behaviours I was doing fall under what’s known as Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviours (BFRBs) — things like:

• Skin picking (dermatillomania)
• Hair pulling (trichotillomania)
• Nail biting or other repetitive grooming habits

For me, though, it wasn’t just about the habit.
It was about trying to regulate my nervous system.

These patterns were rooted in trauma — a mix of:

• Hypervigilance
• Perfectionism
• A deep need to feel in control

I wasn’t just “picking my skin.”
I was trying to fix something I felt was broken — inside and out.

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What Healing Looks Like for Me Now

Over time, I’ve learned that these behaviours weren’t about appearance at all.
They were my body’s way of managing emotional pain.

When everything inside felt chaotic, I tried to control the outside.

Healing, for me, has looked like:

• Slowing down
• Getting curious about my patterns
• Choosing compassion instead of shame
• Learning new ways to regulate my nervous system

I still have days where I catch myself reaching for old habits.

But now?

I pause.
I breathe.
And I ask myself:
👉 What do I really need right now?

Sometimes it’s rest.
Sometimes it’s comfort.
Sometimes it’s just reminding myself:
I am safe. Right here, right now.

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A Final Word

If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a loop like this — please know:

You’re not broken.
You’re doing your best to cope.